Tuesday, February 23, 2010
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
I couldn't agree more.
I went to the local IRS office this afternoon to pick up some forms and they were out of one I wanted to look at.....walked into the office, 6 or 7 people were waiting-I asked the 85 year old security guard about the form and he said I need to take a number.
A number just to tell them they are out of a form? The old guy said yup.....I'll come back some other time.....
Monday, February 22, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I'm fortunate enough to have 4 weeks of time off every year, so I like to take a week off for every season. I have a bunch of computer stuff lined up next week and I would like to finish the motor install on my bicycle and maybe do my taxes.
The highlight of the week however is Friday night- my lovely wife and I are going to see Riverdance.
I think my wife and I have spent about 20 minutes together total in the past couple weeks....it will be nice to hang out for an evening and spend some quality time with each other.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - forgive.
Free your mind from worries - most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Enough of that crap . ... The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Friday, February 05, 2010
Fixed it with 9 minutes to spare before she opened her office this morning.
I'm glad....all her employees have carry and conceal permits:-)
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
So far, this was easy- I kinda have the feeling that the next 20 ain't gonna be so easy.
I'm not worried....I'll do what I gotta do to drop the weight. I don't really feel all that different with the exception of all my work pants don't stay up...looks like I'm going to be wearing suspenders so I don't have permanent plumbers butt.
Go my motor and all the mounting hardware.......
Rear view....check out that gnarly roller.
First thing I did was to install a centerstand on the bike, so my 500 dollar investment doesn't fall over and get dinged....that would piss me off.
Yeah, sure it's gonna look a little dorky but I'm not really that concerned.
I did have to do a little backyard engineering on the mounting plate for the kickstand, since the bike wasn't really designed with a kickstand in mind-the front derailleur wire and the mounting plate had to share the same space......got my drill out and made me a hole.
My next door neighbor came over to check everything out and we both agreed one of the mounting plates is a little janky. It looks plenty strong for what it has to do...just looks homemade. I'm gonna paint it semi-gloss black and hope that it blends in with the paint scheme on the bike.
At the suggestion of my neighbor (the dude is wicked smart), I'm also going to replace several of the mounting bolts with higher strength rated bolts...the ones supplied are probably okay, but if one snapped off when I was 20 or 30 miles out-I'd be screwed.
It's gonna be a little while before I have more pics of progress.....I want to take my time and do everything perfect.