Saturday, May 17, 2008

I'm a slacker.........

Gonna have to wait until next week to see how my poker career works out.....stay tuned.

I spent the first day of my vacation doing a whole bunch of nothing...

After working 14 days in a row... it's kinda of nice to not be working. I could get used to a life of leisure, no problem. You know how you see folks that win the lottery say that they still plan on working?

Not me.

Potato chips with caffeine.....I guess the food scientists are getting bored. How soon before they start putting Provigil in oatmeal so you don't nod off during the day?

I suppose I'm too old to get the whole "Social Media" thing....I have accounts at all of them but I'm really sure why. I have a Facebook account only so I can check out pictures my daughter takes at school.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air

Everything should come in jars like this....

Who's running or the Iraqi's?

Americans sure love corn.........and ice cream floats. No wonder we're all so damn fat.

I'm not even gonna touch this one.....but I will link to it.

Another joke.....

A man walks into a bar in Dublin and sees a guy, obviously drunk, with dozens of empty pint glasses around him.

The man walks over to the drunk and asks what is wrong.

"Do you seen those ten bridges out that window?

I built those bridges with me own two hands.

But do they call me McGinty the bridge builder?

Ahh, No."

He takes a sip of beer and continues: "And do you see those ships in the harbor?

I built those ten ships with me own two hands.

But do they call me McGinty the ship builder?

Ahh, NO"

....."But ya f*** ONE goat…."

You wanna put SpongeBob where?

Find more videos like this on AdGabber

The production crew got bored after they did the real commercial....true story.

Don't think you can be hacked? You can with a little bit of social engineering. You'll crap your pants after listening to this. NSFW due to mature language but please don't let that stop you from listening to the mp3 file.

This lady had some incredibly stupid neighbors. Vanished? Jeez, you woulda thunk they might have checked her apartment at least once.....

till later.

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