Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Donut Guy's guide to Supermarket Etiquette

Okay, so lets face it, I'm not gonna be using my unusually high IQ to be curing cancer.

I make donuts for a living.

I figured I would at least write up a guide for folks so they annoy me the least possible amount when they are shopping..............

Here are some guidelines and observations...............

-I see you, we've made eye contact. It's not necessary for you to yell HELLO, HELLO, HELLO until I walk over to see what you need. Trust me, if you're in hurry, I'll go slower just to piss you off. I'm here all night.

-Do you work here? Mmmmm, lemme see, I am covered in flour, wearing an apron, have donut glaze all over my shoes and am holding a pair of oven mitts............ Yes, I work here, asshole. If you need assistance, just ask me.

-If you call in on the phone to order something, it's not a good time to play "Family Feud" with 5 members of your family while you all argue about what you want written on the top of your cake. Go ahead, take all the time you need, I'm just gonna misspell the name on the order form anyways.

-When you come in or call to place an order for something........please try to speak English. Yeah, I realize some folks might have just moved here from Turkey so they can staff the local convenience store, but somebody in your family has to speak English. Bring'em along next time.

-This one's simple. Take a bath. Or at least wash your armpits and use some deodorant.

-If you have kids, go ahead and bring them along shopping, but please, please don't let them ride inside the shopping cart. Shopping carts are top heavy. Kids fall out of them very easily. Trust me, I know this from seeing it happen more then once, so don't be an indignant asshole when I politely ask you to take your child out of your cart. Kids have died from falling out of shopping carts.

Speaking of kids, we ain't your babysitter. I could give a shit if Junior opens up 6 packs of cookies and eats one or two out of every package. You're gonna be the one buying 6 packs of half eaten cookies.

-Here's another simple one. Be nice. Face it folks-very few of us make 80,000 bucks a year working in a supermarket so lets make a at least make an attempt at not being an asshole and I'll try my best too, okay? You know why? Life's too short and you'd be surprised at how well you are treated when you are nice.

Fat happens. Sure, some of us are a little overweight (me) and some of us are grossly overweight.


If you do happen to be in the second category, at least dress properly. I mean seriously, go ahead and get the next larger size of slacks when you shop for clothes the next time. And while you at it, try and buy a shirt that covers your entire stomach-that goes for guys and girls.

If your a guy, at least try and wear a shirt without grease stains. If you are a woman, try and not wear pants so tight that we can read your lips, if you know what I mean. If you wanna wear a white shirt, you might want to think about wearing a bra-grocery stores are cold. We get a laugh out of old men trying not to be obvious when they check you out. Half the time, their wives catch them and the other half the time, they end up walking in a pole or something.

One more thing about fat bald guys........skip the mustache and goatee thing. We know you are trying to make your chin more distinguishable but it usually ends up making your head look like a bowling ball with a tuft of hair growing out the center. Not a good look.

Last thing -whatever you do- don't shoplift. I have been working in the retail industry for a long time and I have a knack for picking out the shoplifters from the crowd. I have no problem pointing you out for security to detain. Go ahead and try me, I love catching shoplifters. You're taking money out of my pocket when you steal and that ain't cool.

That's about it for now, till later and thanks for reading.

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